Ok, here goes. This is what I realized this morning: No man has ever pursued me. Which means that no man has ever truly known me. Which means that no man has ever truly loved me. Dang.
My marriage is ending and as I walk this road these unwanted thoughts keep running up to me. Just last night I looked in the mirror and didn’t like what I saw. It occurred to me that there is no one who cares what I look like. Now, don’t email me. I know I’m not supposed to care about my appearance and that God looks at the heart, et cetera, et cetera. I get all that. But I’m a girl. I care. It’s just that now I’m the only one who does.
I still can’t believe I’m the girl who uses words like “my marriage is ending”. Maybe that’s good that it still gets to me, that it still stings. I never expected to be here, but here I am, and right here with me is this realization that I’ve been married and I have children but I’ve never really been loved by a man.
(Remind again me why I write stuff like this? I write stuff like this because I know I’m not the only woman who has ever felt this way. And I know I’m not the only woman who feels this way right now. One of you reading this feels this same exact way, I’m just sure of it. And I don’t want you to feel alone.)
So what do we do with this?
Well, I start by acknowledging that it is my truth today. It’s a longing, it’s a deficit, and realistically, it just may remain unfulfilled for the long haul, married or not. On days when I’m not a total train wreck, I take it to Jesus instead of ten million other substitute devices that fill for a second and then drain me right back out again. This morning, I did take it to Jesus.
Here’s what I said to him… When will I learn to come to you, I mean really come to you? I am asking you, again, Jesus Christ, to fill my emptiness, to heal me and make me whole, again and again, to teach me to fully rely on you alone. I want to know you as my husband, my best friend, my one true love. Please do this in my heart and life. Please fix me and fill me.
I have asked Him for this before. I will ask Him for all this again. Maybe it will happen in the next week or so. Maybe it will happen in five minutes. It will probably continue for the rest of my life.
Do I think God not answering me? Or do I think I just keep banging my head against a wall? God already promises that He’s in me, that I have everything I need, that I am precious to Him. He pursued me before I knew Him. He’s especially close to those of us who are heart-broken. God is my peace and my joy. My Maker is my husband. God has answered once and for all, and He does answer again and again.
I know all of these things and I believe all of these things and I have experienced all of these things. But I’m human, I’m frail, I’m just a little girl (as a friend refers to herself during her vulnerable moments, even though she’s in her fifties). And I forget. I forget every single day what I’ve learned the day before.
Remembering God’s love
And, let’s face it…this realization, this knowledge that a man has never really loved me is a pretty big and painful thing to sit with and carry, a heavy thing to know about myself. How did I get to be forty-one without being loved? So, yes, it’s going to hurt and sting and make me walk slower on the days when it hits me again as if for the first time.
Do you struggle to feel loved completely, just for you who you are?
- You can ask the Spirit to let truth sink into you…truth like “you are precious and honored in my sight and I love you,” the Lord says in Isaiah 43.
- You can remind yourself that his grace is enough and it’s all you need according to II Corinthians 12.
- You can remind yourself that your maker is your husband according to Isaiah 54.
- You can remind yourself that Jesus is always with you as he tells us in Matthew 28.
I’m not going to run from this pain. There’s no point in running…it’ll be here when I come back anyway. This is just part of my story. It’s what makes me love my friends better and deeper. It’s what makes me pray for my children harder. It’s the thing that compels me again and again back to Jesus, who knows and sees and understands and heals, and when I’m open, fills me. This is journey of divorce is an unfamiliar and unwanted road, but I know that Jesus walks it with me and He will always be there to remind me, every time I forget.
At the end of Pt. 2, I talked about generational curses. Up until about 3 years ago, when I heard someone talk about generational curses, I immediately tuned out and that person lost all credibility with me. I thought they were one of those nuts who saw satan and his minions behind every bush and in every computer. But God, in His ‘I’ve got something I want you to know’ way, opened my eyes to what it really means. But I’m getting ahead of myself here, so lets continue down the road that lead to my rock bottom meeting with The Lord.
By the year 2010, I’d already had one full blown affair and was moving onto my second, all the while actively attending church and completely deluded in thinking that I was justified in doing so. (NOTHING justifies sin…) My husband asked me if I loved him anymore and in an abnormal moment, I answered truthfully. No, I didn’t. In my heart of hearts I knew that if I did, I wouldn’t be straying. I wanted to leave and he asked me to. The next thing I knew, my plans were shattered and I was circling the drain. I’d lost my kids, they wanted to live with Daddy in their home. I didn’t have a car, a job, a hope in the world. I hated my husband fiercely for everything, because as usual, I blamed him for my problems that I’d created. I still went to church every sunday, praying that God would put me back into His Will. Funny how He listens…
About 2 months after our separation, I was sitting alone in my home, praying for direction. I’d finally gotten a car the day before and wanted to finally go for a drive! I hadn’t been to my father’s grave in a long time, so I decided to head there. During the half hour drive, I prayed some more. At the time, God was my only companion, He’d taken everyone else out of my life so He could get me to focus on Him. That’s how stubborn I was. My husband began to weigh on my heart while I was reflecting and praying, so without thinking (that’s code for ‘God’s working through you) I sent him a text saying I was sorry and that I still loved him. In hindsight, that was the moment that set my failed marriage on a collision course with God’s Will…
I don’t want to talk about You like You’re not in the room
I want to look right at You I want to sing right to You
I believe that You are listening
I believe that You move at the sound of my voice
Give me dove’s eyes
Give me undistracted devotion for only You
“Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces.” Psalm 34:5
Psalms 35:7 – For without cause they hid their net for me; Without cause they dug a pit for my soul. 35:8 Let destruction come upon him unawares, And let the net which he hid catch himself; Into that very destruction let him fall.
Psalms 57:6 – They have prepared a net for my steps; My soul is bowed down; They dug a pit before me; They themselves have fallen into the midst of it. Selah.
Proverbs 26:27 – He who digs a pit will fall into it, And he who rolls a stone, it will come back on him.
If you are anything like I was, you don’t want to Bind Satan from your enemies, you want Satan to get them! But this is not what God would have you do! Trust me, if God wants an evil spirit on a person, he will put it there himself. That is not our place.
1-Samuel 16:14 – Now the Spirit of the LORD departed from Saul, and an evil spirit from the LORD terrorized him.
Does this surprise you? It did me! An evil spirit from the Lord? Believe me, If you have an evil spirit put on you, you don’t want it put there by the Lord and you don’t want to be praying evil spirits on people. For one thing God won’t hear or honor that prayer, but Satan will! Then that spirit within that person will turn on you. This time the person will have demonic, supernatural intelligence. Leave revenge to God! Nobody can dish it out better than he can. This adds a new perspective on how to deal with your enemies doesn’t it?
2-Thessalonians 1:6 – For after all it is only just for God to repay with affliction those who afflict you,
Deuteronomy 32:35 – ‘Vengeance is Mine, and retribution, In due time their foot will slip; For the day of their calamity is near, And the impending things are hastening upon them.’
Matthew 5:44 – “But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you“,
Granted, as far as how to deal your enemies, this sounds crazy, but for one, by binding Satan, “and you do have the authority to do so”,
Luke 10:19 – “Behold, I have given you authority to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing will injure you.
you are prohibiting Satan from using or influencing this person to harm or attack you.
Matthew 18:18 – “Truly I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall have been bound in heaven; and whatever you loose on earth shall have been loosed in heaven
Matthew 12:29 – “Or how can anyone enter the strong man’s house and carry off his property, unless he first binds the strong man? And then he will plunder his house.
Learn how to deal with your enemies, and find out who they really are, because 90% of the time you’ll find that your real problem isn’t with that person or people, but with Satan influencing them.
Ephesians 6:12 – For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.
For another, learning how to deal with enemies and praying for your enemies might just bring them to the Lord in which case they would no longer be a threat to you or mistreat you. I have found with allot of people that God had to completely break them so they had nowhere else to turn but to him. This may be what it takes to save your enemy. The bottom line is, truly love God. Get your heart in the right place. Seek God and live for him and you will find you won’t even have to ask him how to deal with your enemies. If someone attacks you, God will deal harshly with them!
Isaiah 54:15 – “If anyone fiercely assails you it will not be from Me. Whoever assails you will fall because of you.
The word assail can mean physical or verbal . Etc..! This does come with a warning! When God does come down on your enemy (even if they do deserve it) try not to enjoy it, just pray for them!
Proverbs 24:17 – Do not rejoice when your enemy falls, And do not let your heart be glad when he stumbles;
Proverbs 24:18 – Or the LORD will see it and be displeased, And turn His anger away from him.
(Do you see how God wants you to act?)
Having enemies and having to know how to deal with enemies and people who hate you, doesn’t necessarily mean you did something to deserve it. Matter of fact, You are in good company. Jesus had plenty of enemies and never harmed anyone.
So, How to Deal with Enemies? Don’t! Let God deal with them. If you don’t already have enemies, you probably will. Especially if you are a Christian. I always believed , just don’t deal treacherously with people and you won’t have enemies. But that’s not true. Personally, I have found that enemies are acquired from simply standing up for what you believe to be right and/or disagreeing with people! If people hate you because you are a Christian, you are truly blessed!
Matthew 5:11 – “Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me.
Proverbs 16:7 – When a man’s ways are pleasing to the LORD, He makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.
When you are pleasing to God, he will viciously stand against your enemies. He will not only show you how to deal with your enemies, God will lift your hand against them.
Micah 5:8 – Like a young lion among flocks of sheep, Which, if he passes through, Tramples down and tears, And there is none to rescue.
Micah 5:9 – Your hand will be lifted up against your adversaries, And all your enemies will be cut off.
This is very powerful! Do you hear what God is saying? If you are living for God and according to his will, he is telling you how he will attend to your enemies. God is not just saying he will slap your enemies on the hand, he is comparing it to a lion tearing apart a flock of sheep! Be careful what you pray for, You might get it! You may find as I have that God may deal even “more” harshly with your enemies than even you would have. Either way, don’t rejoice when bad things happen to your enemy and don’t dispute Gods wisdom. Just pray for them! The key here is: Seek God with all your heart. Live to please him. God takes care of his own. God knows how to deal with your enemies.
Romans 8:31 – What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us?
Psalms 18:3 – I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies.